I, for the most part, am the epitome of a single mom. No husband. No boyfriend. No real thoughts to change either in the immediate future. After all, how would I fit dating into an already hectic schedule? Not to mention a full time relationship? Relationships come with a lot of complications, obligations, and more often than not drama.
I do miss that “I miss you” text in the early morning while I’m sleeping…or a simple “thinking about you” from time to time. I miss feeling like I mean something to someone other than my kids, and having someone to share my life and/or responsibilities with. I miss the companionship as well as the physical and intellectual intimacy. But I’ve stayed single for 19 months now, out of choice.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my fair share of pursuers. Most of which annoyed the piss out of me more than anything else, and for the most part there seems to be an overwelming number of men out there that tend to believe that just because I have three kids I must spread my legs like butter. Yeah…uhmm…no. My children are the product of relationships that were long term, not from some random one night stand that brought me a “baby daddy”.
However, with all that said, I’m not going to sit here and say that I haven’t had ANYONE turn my head. There was one guy. Another “J”. Oh, what is with me and men whose name starts with “J”? I honestly believe that me and “J” would be good for each other. But, despite my little crush, and his apparent fondness of me (at one time at least), we aren’t an item. Nor do I see us becoming an item anytime soon if at all. Maybe its a lack of understanding or a break down of communication, but we can’t seem to ever be on the same page. Either he has been fighting “baby mama drama”, I’m dealing with “baby daddy drama”, or a long list of other obstacles such as money, distance, and/or just scheduling conflicts in general.
In a lot of ways, I just always felt like he didn’t think I was good enough for him…and this probably has a lot more to do with my own insecurities than it ever did truth, but that’s always how I felt. I can’t just up and drop everything due to my family obligations with Jakobe’s strict schedule of therapies and doctors appointments, but I always tried to make plans with him only for there to be a complete breakdown in the schedule. It kind of felt as though I always made the effort and it went unnoticed. Its okay, though, cause I know the “right” guy will eventually come along and break down my walls.
Several people have told me I need to get out there and get back into the dating scene, but quite honestly, I’m just not into it. I’ve had exactly ONE man peak my interest in 19 months. O-N-E. And, well…you see how far that has went, right? Plus, I have to think of the kids. I DO NOT want men in and out of their life. I seen the devastation it can cause. When Jason left, my oldest was heartbroken. Not just seeing the damage that was caused to his mother, but because he, himself, was damaged. Jason showed us true pain. Jason showed us true misery. Jason almost destroyed us all. Why would I give someone the chance to do it all over again? Just because there is a small chance it wont happen? Is that a risk I’m willing to take? Maybe, but only if it feels “right”.
Anyway, moving on…I had to rush Esmae to an emergency doctors visit today. She woke up entirely cranky and downright miserable. By mid-afternoon she had developed a low grade temp and a rash. The rash quickly spread, and by the time her visit with her grandma had ended I was running her to the doctor. The rash started in the feet and moved up to her thighs…then her stomach….and her arms. By the time I got her to the doctor It was on her neck and shoulders. She has a viral infection of unknown origin that produced viral exanthem and double ear infections. My poor lil miserable girl is now on tylenol for comfort, benadryl for helping alleviate symptoms of the rash, and amoxycillin (spelling?) for the infection. If her condition does not improve by Friday I have to take her back in.
At the pharmacy, my faith in humanity was restored. No, seriously. I’m broke. Like really broke. I think I have a total of four cents to my name right now since I’m not receiving child support and it isn’t pay day. The pharmacist informed me that Esmae’s insurance will not cover benadryl prior to the age of 4, and with me being broke I told her to re-shelve it because I just didn’t have the money. I knew she needed it, but I just didn’t have it. I sat there crying, waiting for her scripts, wishing so desperately that I could pay for her meds right then and there. She is rarely sick, but the one time she was I couldn’t help her. Someone stepped in and paid for her scripts for me. I lost it. I bawled my eyes out, and I had to have said thank you fifty times through those tears. But that’s not where the story ends. A complete stranger…someone I had NEVER met before grabbed my hand, placed money inside of it, told me not to argue and to go get the kids and me something to eat and enjoy ourselves. As I looked down into my hand there was a fifty dollar bill. They walked away before I could even say thank you, but I hope they realize how thankful I really am. Payday is tomorrow, thankfully…so we were only hurting in that very moment, but they made my kiddos very happy as I treated them both to what they love most…pizza. So, dear stranger…if you ever read this entry. Thank you so very much for your kindness, and I promise if I am ever in a position to pay it forward, however I can, I will.